The 13 attributes of Hashem’s mercy form a profound framework for understanding divine rachamim (compassion or mercy). Each attribute reflects a facet of rachamim, collectively painting a picture of infinite, multifaceted kindness that serves as a model for human behavior. Let’s explore how all 13 attributes relate to rachamim:

1. יְהוָה (YHVH): Compassion before a person sins

This attribute reflects proactive compassion, where Hashem extends patience and opportunity to individuals before they err. It demonstrates rachamim as anticipatory, offering guidance, resources, and time to choose the right path before missteps occur. It aligns with the Mussar principle of z#erizut (alacrity), preparing oneself to act compassionately in advance.

2. יְהוָה (YHVH): Compassion after a person sins

This attribute illustrates restorative compassion, a rachamim that embraces and guides those who have faltered, offering them opportunities to repair and grow. It highlights rachamim as enduring, not withdrawn even after mistakes, and ties to teshuvah (repentance), fostering return and healing.

3. אֵל (El): Mighty in compassion to give all creatures according to their need

Here, rachamim becomes universal and equitable, acknowledging that each being has unique needs. This attribute underscores the expansive nature of rachamim, transcending human boundaries, and ties closely to chesed (loving-kindness) in Mussar, ensuring that all creatures, not just humans, are cared for.

4. רַחוּם (Rachum): Merciful, that humankind may not be distressed

This is rachamim as preventive care, aiming to avert suffering before it materializes. It emphasizes sensitivity to potential pain, resonating with the Mussar middah of noseh b’ol im chavero (bearing the burden with one’s fellow), ensuring compassion is proactive.

5. וְחַנּוּן (VeChanun): Gracious if humankind is already in distress

Graciousness represents rachamim in the form of active intervention, stepping into the breach to provide relief when suffering is present. This compassion requires gevurah (strength) to act decisively and binah (understanding) to know the right course of action.

6. אֶרֶךְ אַפַּיִם (Erech appayim): Slow to anger

This reflects patient compassion, a restraint that creates space for growth and transformation rather than immediate judgment. Rachamim here is intertwined with savlanut (patience), ensuring that justice does not preclude mercy.

7. וְרַב-חֶסֶד (VeRav chesed): Plenteous in kindness

Kindness is the overflow of rachamim, going beyond what is deserved to offer abundance. It aligns with the Mussar trait of nedivut (generosity), showing how rachamim is rooted in a boundless giving nature.

8. וֶאֱמֶת (VeEmet): And truth

This attribute connects rachamim with authenticity and integrity, ensuring that compassion does not devolve into enabling or indulgence. Truth balances rachamim, aligning it with #emet (truthfulness), where kindness is constructive and aligned with reality.

9. נֹצֵר חֶסֶד לָאֲלָפִים (Notzer chesed la’alafim): Keeping kindness unto thousands

This highlights rachamim as enduring and generational, creating a legacy of compassion. It reflects the Mussar concept of #achrayut (responsibility), where rachamim extends beyond immediate concerns to future impacts.

10. נֹשֵׂא עָוֹן (Noseh avon): Forgiving iniquity

Forgiveness is a cornerstone of rachamim, representing the ability to absorb and release harm rather than perpetuate it. It ties to #selichah (forgiveness), demonstrating rachamim as a transformative force.

11. וָפֶשַׁע (VaFeshah): And transgression

This attribute reflects rachamim’s ability to confront and transcend even intentional wrongdoing. It underscores the depth of rachamim, which does not falter even in the face of willful harm.

12. וְחַטָּאָה (VeChata’ah): And sin

Compassion extends to mistakes of all kinds—intentional, unintentional, and habitual—showing rachamim as inclusive and understanding of human fallibility. It calls for anavah (humility), recognizing our shared susceptibility to error.

13. וְנַקֵּה (VeNakeh): And pardoning

The ultimate manifestation of rachamim is the ability to pardon, to release the weight of guilt and allow for renewal. It emphasizes the transformative power of rachamim and connects to tikun olam (repairing the world), where compassion fosters a brighter future.

The Unifying Thread of Rachamim

The 13 attributes together form a mosaic of rachamim, demonstrating its breadth, depth, and multifaceted nature. They offer a divine model for human emulation, inviting us to practice compassion that is anticipatory, restorative, equitable, patient, kind, truthful, forgiving, and enduring. Each attribute builds upon the others, revealing rachamim as the guiding principle behind all interactions with others and with the world.

The Compassionate Living Schema

A practical schema derived from combining the 13 attributes of Hashem could be applied as a framework for ethical living and interpersonal relationships. This schema integrates aspects of the attributes into actionable principles that can guide behavior, decision-making, and personal growth.

The schema operates as a cyclical process, with each step corresponding to specific attributes and their practical applications.

1. Anticipate Needs and Offer Preventive Compassion

Attributes Involved:

• יְהוָה (YHVH): Compassion before a person sins
• אֵל (El): Mighty in compassion to give all creatures according to their need
• רַחוּם (Rachum): Merciful, that humankind may not be distressed

Actionable Steps:

• Observe situations proactively to identify potential areas of harm or distress.
• Provide resources, guidance, or support preemptively to avoid mistakes or suffering.
• Example: Mentoring someone to avoid common pitfalls in a new role or responsibility.

2. Respond Graciously to Distress

Attributes Involved:

• וְחַנּוּן (VeChanun): Gracious if humankind is already in distress
• אֶרֶךְ אַפַּיִם (Erech appayim): Slow to anger

Actionable Steps:

• Practice empathetic listening to understand the root of someone’s distress.
• Offer practical help or emotional support without rushing to judgment.
• Maintain calm and patience even when faced with challenging situations.
• Example: Assisting a struggling colleague by offering your time or expertise without criticism.

3. Balance Kindness with Truth

Attributes Involved:

• וְרַב-חֶסֶד (VeRav chesed): Plenteous in kindness
• וֶאֱמֶת (VeEmet): And truth

Actionable Steps:

• Ensure that kindness does not come at the expense of honesty or integrity.
• When offering feedback or correcting a mistake, frame it in a constructive, supportive way.
• Example: Instead of ignoring a friend’s harmful habit, gently point it out while affirming your care for their well-being.

4. Extend Enduring Generosity

Attributes Involved:

• נֹצֵר חֶסֶד לָאֲלָפִים (Notzer chesed la’alafim): Keeping kindness unto thousands

Actionable Steps:

• Cultivate practices that leave a lasting positive impact on others, such as mentoring or community work.
• Focus on systemic kindness that benefits future generations, like supporting sustainable projects or education.
• Example: Establishing a scholarship fund or volunteering regularly in a way that creates ripple effects of benefit.

5. Embrace Forgiveness and Reconciliation

Attributes Involved:

• נֹשֵׂא עָוֹן (Noseh avon): Forgiving iniquity
• וָפֶשַׁע (VaFeshah): And transgression
• וְחַטָּאָה (VeChata’ah): And sin
• וְנַקֵּה (VeNakeh): And pardoning

Actionable Steps:

• Actively work on forgiving those who wrong you, recognizing their human flaws.
• Take responsibility for your own errors, seeking to repair and reconcile relationships.
• Release grudges and focus on building trust and harmony.
• Example: Apologizing to a friend for a misunderstanding and creating a path for mutual healing.

6. Cultivate Reflection and Humility

Attributes Involved:

• All attributes in a reflective capacity

Actionable Steps:

• Regularly assess your actions against these principles.
• Recognize areas where you fall short and commit to improvement.
• Engage in practices like journaling, meditation, or Mussar study to internalize these attributes.
• Example: Reflecting on a heated interaction and resolving to respond with more patience in the future.

Implementation in Daily Life

To operationalize this schema, one might:

1. Adopt a daily ritual of reflecting on one attribute and how it was (or wasn’t) practiced during the day.
2. Set S.M.A.R.T. goals aligned with specific attributes
   (e.g., “This week, I will practice patience by pausing for 10 seconds before responding in difficult conversations”).
3. Create accountability mechanisms, such as discussing progress with a mentor or Mussar group.

Outcome

This schema helps individuals embody divine compassion in their relationships, work, and community, fostering a more harmonious and ethically guided life. By integrating all aspects of the 13 attributes, one builds a balanced, proactive, and enduring framework for rachamim, inspiring both personal and communal transformation.

Jungian Archetypes in the Schema and Their Light and Shadow Aspects

Each phase of the schema aligns with specific Jungian archetypes, whose light and shadow aspects can either support or hinder the practice. Below, we explore these archetypes and derive S.M.A.R.T. goals to integrate their dynamics. Light and shadow aspects loosely map to yetzer tov and yetzer hara.

1. Anticipate Needs and Offer Preventive Compassion

Archetypes:

• Light Aspect of the Caregiver: Empathy, nurturing, and proactive generosity.
• Shadow Aspect of the Caregiver: Enabling dependency or neglecting self-care in favor of others.

S.M.A.R.T. Goals:

1. Specific: Identify one person this week whose needs you can anticipate and address
   (e.g., helping a colleague with an upcoming deadline).
2. Measurable: Spend 30 minutes daily assessing areas where your support could make a difference.
3. Achievable: Use empathetic listening to understand needs instead of assuming them.
4. Relevant: Ensure your actions foster independence rather than dependency.
5. Time-bound: Reflect weekly on whether your support was empowering or enabling.

2. Respond Graciously to Distress

Archetypes:

• Light Aspect of the Healer: Bringing comfort, emotional resilience, and restoration.
• Shadow Aspect of the Healer: Becoming overly identified with others’ suffering or avoiding difficult situations. (Co-dependency)

S.M.A.R.T. Goals:

1. Specific: Practice one act of active listening daily when someone shares distress.
2. Measurable: Limit your intervention to what is genuinely helpful
   (e.g., offering practical solutions, not emotional venting).
3. Achievable: Keep a journal to identify moments where you stepped in appropriately or withdrew unnecessarily.
4. Relevant: Aim to alleviate suffering while maintaining healthy emotional boundaries.
5. Time-bound: Assess progress at the end of the week and set one improvement goal.

3. Balance Kindness with Truth

Archetypes:

• Light Aspect of the Sage: Wise, compassionate honesty that fosters growth.
• Shadow Aspect of the Sage: Harsh criticism or using “truth” as a weapon to assert superiority.

S.M.A.R.T. Goals:

1. Specific: Offer feedback to one person this week in a way that combines kindness and honesty.
2. Measurable: Use the “sandwich” method—start with a positive, address the issue, and end with encouragement.
3. Achievable: Rehearse your feedback in advance to ensure it is constructive.
4. Relevant: Commit to truth that empowers others rather than diminishing them.
5. Time-bound: Evaluate the impact of your feedback within two days and adjust your approach if needed.

4. Extend Enduring Generosity

Archetypes:

• Light Aspect of the Ruler: Creating systems of support that ensure long-term impact.
• Shadow Aspect of the Ruler: Becoming controlling or attaching ego to acts of generosity.

S.M.A.R.T. Goals:

1. Specific: Contribute to one initiative this month that has a systemic, long-term impact
   (e.g., volunteering for a charity or starting a mentorship program).
2. Measurable: Track the number of hours or resources invested.
3. Achievable: Start with a manageable project, such as mentoring one individual
   rather than building an entire program.
4. Relevant: Ensure your actions are focused on service, not control or recognition.
5. Time-bound: Review your contributions monthly to ensure alignment with selfless generosity.

5. Embrace Forgiveness and Reconciliation

Archetypes:

• Light Aspect of the Lover: Building harmony, connection, and mutual understanding.
• Shadow Aspect of the Lover: Clinging to toxic relationships or being unable to let go of pain.

S.M.A.R.T. Goals:

1. Specific: Apologize or forgive one person this week with whom there is unresolved tension.
2. Measurable: Define the success of your reconciliation by improved communication or a sense of emotional release.
3. Achievable: Start with manageable conflicts rather than the most difficult ones.
4. Relevant: Focus on rebuilding trust rather than simply avoiding discomfort.
5. Time-bound: Schedule a follow-up conversation within two weeks to assess progress.

6. Cultivate Reflection and Humility

Archetypes:

• Light Aspect of the Magician: Transformation through self-awareness and connection to deeper truths.
• Shadow Aspect of the Magician: Manipulating reality to avoid accountability or using introspection as an escape from action.

S.M.A.R.T. Goals:

1. Specific: Set aside 10 minutes each evening for journaling about how you embodied compassion and where you fell short.
2. Measurable: Use a reflective question set (e.g., “Did I act out of love or fear today?”) to assess progress.
3. Achievable: Choose one area of improvement to focus on daily.
4. Relevant: Ensure your reflections lead to actionable changes rather than over-analysis.
5. Time-bound: Review your journal monthly to identify patterns and celebrate growth.

Integrating Light and Shadow

To integrate both light and shadow aspects of these archetypes, the individual must:

1. Acknowledge the shadow as a natural part of their psyche,
   neither repressing it nor letting it dominate.
2. Use the light aspects to guide their actions while remaining vigilant against the shadow’s influence.
3. Develop practices (e.g., mindfulness, Mussar, therapy) that foster awareness and balance.

By setting these S.M.A.R.T. goals, the individual can navigate the tension between archetypal light and shadow, practicing compassionate living with intention and authenticity.

Recasting the Schema in Terms of Internal Family Systems (IFS) Parts Or How to Work Rachamim for Oneself

In IFS, the psyche consists of parts that function to protect the Self from wounds or vulnerabilities. Each part—manifesting as either a manager, firefighter, or exile—may align with light or shadow aspects of Jungian archetypes. Below, the schema is reinterpreted in terms of IFS parts, focusing on the wounds they protect and how to work with them.

Here is the information rendered in a table format for easier reference:

Schema Aspect	IFS Parts	Wound Being Protected	IFS Goal	Actionable Steps
1. Anticipate Needs and Offer Preventive Compassion	Manager (Caregiver), Exile	Fear of helplessness, pain of unmet needs, neglect or failure to protect	Build trust between the Manager and Self; help the Exile feel safe	1. Acknowledge the Manager: “I see how hard you work to keep things running smoothly.” 2. Reassure the Exile: “You are safe now, and I will ensure your needs are met.” 3. Develop a Self-led practice of compassionate planning.
2. Respond Graciously to Distress	Firefighter (Healer), Exile	Fear of abandonment, pain of unresolved suffering and distress	Help the Firefighter recognize it doesn’t need to solve every problem; reassure the Exile	1. Validate the Firefighter: “You’re doing your best to make things better quickly.” 2. Connect with the Exile: “It’s okay to worry about how others might react.” 3. Cultivate Self-led presence.
3. Balance Kindness with Truth	Manager (Sage), Exile	Fear of rejection or conflict; pain of being criticized or dismissed	Teach the Manager that honesty paired with kindness fosters connection; reassure the Exile	1. Acknowledge the Manager: “Your wisdom helps me navigate complex situations thoughtfully.” 2. Listen to the Exile’s fear: “You’re safe with me.” 3. Practice Self-led communication.
4. Extend Enduring Generosity	Manager (Ruler), Exile	Fear of insignificance, being undervalued, pain of not being seen or appreciated	Help the Manager release control; validate the Exile’s worth	1. Appreciate the Manager: “Thank you for organizing efforts that make a lasting difference.” 2. Comfort the Exile: “Your contributions matter, even if they aren’t always acknowledged.” 3. Create Self-led systems of generosity.
5. Embrace Forgiveness and Reconciliation	Firefighter (Lover), Exile	Pain of disconnection or unresolved hurt, fear of betrayal or rejection	Help the Firefighter understand forgiveness is a healing process; guide the Exile toward releasing its pain	1. Appreciate the Firefighter: “You care deeply about keeping connections alive.” 2. Witness the Exile’s pain: “I understand the hurt you’ve been carrying.” 3. Engage in Self-led acts of forgiveness.
6. Cultivate Reflection and Humility	Manager (Magician), Exile	Fear of failure, inadequacy, perfectionism, fear of judgment or insufficient growth	Encourage the Manager to balance reflection with action; reassure the Exile that growth happens through effort, not perfection	1. Acknowledge the Manager: “Your reflections are valuable for guiding my growth.” 2. Reassure the Exile: “You are enough, even when mistakes happen.” 3. Practice Self-led reflection with actionable steps.

IFS Integration Plan

Goal	Actionable Steps
Daily Check-ins	Spend 5-10 minutes each day acknowledging and appreciating the parts that surfaced during the day.
Exile Healing	Use compassionate witnessing to release burdens carried by Exiles. “Others” outside oneself are sometimes similar to exiles. What you apply to yourself, you apply to others (realize if you are being self-critical but think you are being non-judging to others — you’re not as– your self-criticism resonates regardless. This is also not to say “leave yourself unexamined”, that is ignorance. )
Self-led Goals	Reframe S.M.A.R.T. goals to ensure they serve the Self, not just reactive parts. “Blending” with one or more parts is very common, happens to everyone, and is sometimes difficult to recognize.
Practice Self-Compassion	Cultivate a practice of affirming the intrinsic worth of all parts, recognizing their protective intentions.

To enhance the practicability and effectiveness of the steps for integrating the schema with IFS, a few additional key elements can be added to support ongoing integration, particularly in emotional regulation, relationship dynamics, and long-term sustainable change. Here are some suggestions for what may be missing or what could be further clarified:

Missing Practical Steps

Self (writ large) is the reflection of the divine within each of us.

1. Regular Grounding and Emotional Regulation

Rationale: To stay present with the Self and connect with parts without becoming overwhelmed by intense emotions.

• Actionable Step:
  • Daily Grounding Practices: Engage in brief grounding exercises such as
    • mindful breathing, body scans, or
    • self-soothing activities that promote awareness of the body and emotions.
  • Emotional Check-ins: Spend time daily or weekly checking in with your emotional state.
    Ask, “What part of me feels triggered today?” and explore what emotions are surfacing.

Example:

• Grounding Exercise:
  • Take a few deep breaths,
  • feel your feet on the ground, and
  • mentally note which part is feeling activated (Manager, Exile, Firefighter).

This step will help slow down the process and create emotional distance to respond rather than react.

2. Creating Self-Compassion Rituals

Rationale: Building self-compassion rituals helps anchor the integration process and strengthen the connection with the Self.

• Actionable Step:
  • Morning or Evening Affirmations: Set a time each day (morning or evening, davening/prayer times are good especially before to prepare yourself) to affirm your Self’s worth.
    E.g., “I am enough, and I trust my process of healing.”
    This could be coupled with a brief reflective practice or journaling to track growth.
  • Self-Compassion Breaks: Throughout the day, take 5-minute breaks to give yourself compassion in the form of touch (e.g., a hand on your heart) or verbal affirmations.

Example:

• Write down a compassionate statement to yourself at the start or end of each day. If working through a difficult interaction, use a compassionate script like,
  “Even though I struggled with this, I know I’m doing my best, and that is enough.”
  Remember gam zu l’tovah (this, too, is for the good).

3. Releasing Attachment to Outcomes

Rationale: Allowing space for imperfection and reducing pressure on controlling the process helps the parts and the Self grow more naturally.

• Actionable Step:
  • Set Realistic, Incremental Goals: Break larger goals into small, measurable, and realistic steps.
    Reaffirm that healing is a journey, not a destination.
    This is the essence of derek eretz.
  • Practice Non-Attachment: Work on releasing attachment to specific outcomes in relationships or work.
    This allows for greater flexibility in response and reduced anxiety about achieving perfection.

Example:

• For example, if you’re trying to practice forgiveness, focus on small, daily efforts like reminding yourself to soften toward a past hurt without forcing full resolution or closure.

4. Building Awareness of Triggers and Patterns

Rationale: Understanding when your reactive parts (Firefighters, Managers) emerge helps interrupt maladaptive patterns early and re-engage with the Self.

• Actionable Step:
  • Trigger Mapping: Use a journal or worksheet to track emotional triggers and what parts of you are activated. Write down specific moments when parts become reactive and explore the historical or emotional triggers behind those moments.
  • Pattern Identification: Over time, identify recurring patterns of behavior (e.g., over-giving, perfectionism, or people-pleasing). Recognizing these patterns helps reframe automatic responses with more conscious choices.

Example:

• For instance, if a Firefighter part tends to take over during stressful work moments, track the exact circumstances that lead to reactivity, including thoughts, body sensations, and past memories. Then, plan to bring in a Self-led response next time.

5. Creating Healthy Boundaries

Rationale: Healthy boundaries support the process of healing by protecting the Self and parts from excessive demands, burnout, and emotional overload.

• Actionable Step:
  • Boundary-Setting Practice: Learn to say “no” in small, manageable ways and practice setting healthy boundaries with work, relationships, and social commitments. This is knowing your place (makom) in space and, yes, you were put here for a purpose.
  • Clarify Limits: Identify your emotional and energetic limits in relationships.
    Reaffirm these boundaries regularly to ensure your parts aren’t taking on too much.

Example:

• If your Firefighter is over-functioning by constantly “fixing” problems for others, set clear boundaries with others about what you are and aren’t willing to take on. Practice saying “no” kindly but firmly.

6. Incorporating Feedback Loops

Rationale: Feedback loops (external and internal) are crucial for

• assessing progress,
• adjusting goals, and
• validating the work done with the parts.
• Actionable Step:
  • Accountability Partner or Coach: Work with a trusted individual to regularly check in about progress. This helps keep you honest with yourself about where you’re growing and where you might still be stuck.
  • Self-Reflection and Review: Regularly (weekly or monthly) review your growth, challenges, and areas of healing. Ask yourself questions like,
    “Where do I still struggle to integrate compassion or forgiveness?” or
    “What parts are still trying to overtake my decision-making?”

Example:

• Have a monthly journaling ritual where you review your goals, the parts that have been most active,
  and what you learned about yourself during the month.

7. Strengthening Relationship with the Self

Rationale: Strengthening the connection to the Self—the core of internal wisdom—ensures that parts are nurtured without overriding each other’s roles or needs.

• Actionable Step:
  • Daily Meditation: Dedicate time to a brief (5-10 minutes) Self-led meditation practice,
    where you sit in silence, breathe deeply, and reconnect with your inner wisdom.
  • Self-Compassion Dialogue: Practice engaging in an internal dialogue with your Self.
    Use this as a way to address concerns or fears from the parts with a calm, loving voice.

Example:

• Every evening, set aside time to sit quietly and ask your Self questions like,
  “How am I feeling right now?” and “What does my heart need?”
  Then listen, journal, or simply sit with the responses that come. It is also an excellent “head space” to be in before davening/prayer.

8. Celebrating Small Wins

Rationale: Acknowledging incremental progress encourages parts to trust the process and helps overcome the urge to give up during challenging times.

• Actionable Step:
  • Celebrate Growth: Mark each milestone, no matter how small. Whether it’s handling a difficult situation with greater self-compassion, setting a boundary, or responding with kindness, celebrating these victories builds momentum.
  • Document Positive Change: Write down or record moments of success and refer back to them when doubts or challenges arise. This reinforces the journey of integration.

Example:

• After practicing forgiveness or setting a healthy boundary, take a moment to acknowledge your effort. Acknowledge the emotional growth, even if the result wasn’t perfect.

Key Summary

By adding these practicable steps, you can:

• Ground your practice with emotional regulation, boundary-setting, and compassion.
• Reframe goals as part of a journey rather than a fixed destination.
• Integrate feedback and celebrate small wins to build trust and consistency.
• Strengthen the Self and heal wounds without forcing change.

This combination of emotional, reflective, and relational steps fosters not just a mindset of change but a sustainable, compassionate way to work with your parts, ultimately guiding you toward deeper integration of the schema in everyday life.

S.m.a.r.t goals Summary

Accountability Partner or Coach: Work with a trusted individual to regularly check in about progress. This helps keep you honest with yourself about where you’re growing and where you might still be stuck.

Acknowledge the shadow as a natural part of their psyche,
neither repressing it nor letting it dominate.

Actively work on forgiving those who wrong you, recognizing their human flaws.

Adopt a daily ritual of reflecting on one attribute and how it was (or wasn’t) practiced during the day.

After practicing forgiveness or setting a healthy boundary, take a moment to acknowledge your effort. Acknowledge the emotional growth, even if the result wasn’t perfect.

Boundary-Setting Practice: Learn to say “no” in small, manageable ways and practice setting healthy boundaries with work, relationships, and social commitments. This is knowing your place (makom) in space and, yes, you were put here for a purpose.

Celebrate Growth: Mark each milestone, no matter how small. Whether it’s handling a difficult situation with greater self-compassion, setting a boundary, or responding with kindness, celebrating these victories builds momentum.

Clarify Limits: Identify your emotional and energetic limits in relationships.
Reaffirm these boundaries regularly to ensure your parts aren’t taking on too much.

Create accountability mechanisms, such as discussing progress with a mentor or Mussar group.

Cultivate a practice of affirming the intrinsic worth of all parts,
recognizing their protective intentions.

Cultivate practices that leave a lasting positive impact on others, such as mentoring or community work.

Daily Grounding Practices: Engage in brief grounding exercises such as

mindful breathing, body scans, or

self-soothing activities that promote awareness of the body and emotions.

Daily Meditation: Dedicate time to a brief (5-10 minutes) Self-led meditation practice,
where you sit in silence, breathe deeply, and reconnect with your inner wisdom.

Develop practices (e.g., mindfulness, Mussar, therapy) that foster awareness and balance.

Document Positive Change: Write down or record moments of success and refer back to them when doubts or challenges arise. This reinforces the journey of integration.

Emotional Check-ins: Spend time daily or weekly checking in with your emotional state.
Ask, “What part of me feels triggered today?” and explore what emotions are surfacing.

Engage in practices like journaling, meditation, or Mussar study to internalize these attributes.

Ensure that kindness does not come at the expense of honesty or integrity.

Every evening, set aside time to sit quietly and ask your Self questions like,
“How am I feeling right now?” and “What does my heart need?”
Then listen, journal, or simply sit with the responses that come. It is also an excellent “head space” to be in before davening/prayer.

Example: Apologizing to a friend for a misunderstanding and creating a path for mutual healing.

Example: Assisting a struggling colleague by offering your time or expertise without criticism.

Example: Establishing a scholarship fund or volunteering regularly in a way that creates ripple effects of benefit.

Example: Instead of ignoring a friend’s harmful habit, gently point it out while affirming your care for their well-being.

Example: Mentoring someone to avoid common pitfalls in a new role or responsibility.

Example: Reflecting on a heated interaction and resolving to respond with more patience in the future.

Focus on systemic kindness that benefits future generations, like supporting sustainable projects or education.

For example, if you’re trying to practice forgiveness, focus on small, daily efforts like reminding yourself to soften toward a past hurt without forcing full resolution or closure.

For instance, if a Firefighter part tends to take over during stressful work moments, track the exact circumstances that lead to reactivity, including thoughts, body sensations, and past memories. Then, plan to bring in a Self-led response next time.

Ground your practice with emotional regulation, boundary-setting, and compassion.

Grounding Exercise:

Take a few deep breaths,

feel your feet on the ground, and

mentally note which part is feeling activated (Manager, Exile, Firefighter).

Have a monthly journaling ritual where you review your goals, the parts that have been most active,
and what you learned about yourself during the month.

If your Firefighter is over-functioning by constantly “fixing” problems for others, set clear boundaries with others about what you are and aren’t willing to take on. Practice saying “no” kindly but firmly.

Integrate feedback and celebrate small wins to build trust and consistency.

Maintain calm and patience even when faced with challenging situations.

Morning or Evening Affirmations: Set a time each day (morning or evening, davening/prayer times are good especially before to prepare yourself) to affirm your Self’s worth.
E.g., “I am enough, and I trust my process of healing.”
This could be coupled with a brief reflective practice or journaling to track growth.

Observe situations proactively to identify potential areas of harm or distress.

Offer practical help or emotional support without rushing to judgment.

Pattern Identification: Over time, identify recurring patterns of behavior (e.g., over-giving, perfectionism, or people-pleasing). Recognizing these patterns helps reframe automatic responses with more conscious choices.

Practice empathetic listening to understand the root of someone’s distress.

Practice Non-Attachment: Work on releasing attachment to specific outcomes in relationships or work.
This allows for greater flexibility in response and reduced anxiety about achieving perfection.

Provide resources, guidance, or support preemptively to avoid mistakes or suffering.

Recognize areas where you fall short and commit to improvement.

Reframe goals as part of a journey rather than a fixed destination.

Reframe S.M.A.R.T. goals to ensure they serve the Self,
not just reactive parts. “Blending” with one or more parts is very common, happens to everyone, and is sometimes difficult to recognize.

Regularly assess your actions against these principles.

Release grudges and focus on building trust and harmony.

Self-Compassion Breaks: Throughout the day, take 5-minute breaks to give yourself compassion in the form of touch (e.g., a hand on your heart) or verbal affirmations.

Self-Compassion Dialogue: Practice engaging in an internal dialogue with your Self.
Use this as a way to address concerns or fears from the parts with a calm, loving voice.

Self-Reflection and Review: Regularly (weekly or monthly) review your growth, challenges, and areas of healing. Ask yourself questions like,
“Where do I still struggle to integrate compassion or forgiveness?” or
“What parts are still trying to overtake my decision-making?”

Set Realistic, Incremental Goals: Break larger goals into small, measurable, and realistic steps.
Reaffirm that healing is a journey, not a destination.
This is the essence of derek eretz.

Set S.M.A.R.T. goals aligned with specific attributes
(e.g., “This week, I will practice patience by pausing for 10 seconds before responding in difficult conversations”).

Specific: Apologize or forgive one person this week with whom there is unresolved tension.

Specific: Contribute to one initiative this month that has a systemic, long-term impact
(e.g., volunteering for a charity or starting a mentorship program).

Specific: Identify one person this week whose needs you can anticipate and address
(e.g., helping a colleague with an upcoming deadline).

Specific: Offer feedback to one person this week in a way that combines kindness and honesty.

Specific: Practice one act of active listening daily when someone shares distress.

Specific: Set aside 10 minutes each evening for journaling about how you embodied compassion and where you fell short.

Spend 5-10 minutes each day acknowledging and appreciating the parts that surfaced during the day.

Strengthen the Self and heal wounds without forcing change.

Take responsibility for your own errors, seeking to repair and reconcile relationships.

Trigger Mapping: Use a journal or worksheet to track emotional triggers and what parts of you are activated. Write down specific moments when parts become reactive and explore the historical or emotional triggers behind those moments.

Use compassionate witnessing to release burdens carried by Exiles.
“Others” outside oneself are sometimes similar to exiles.
What you apply to yourself, you apply to others
(realize if you are being self-critical but think you are being non-judging to others — you’re not as– your self-criticism resonates regardless. This is also not to say “leave yourself unexamined”, that is ignorance. )

Use the light aspects to guide their actions while remaining vigilant against the shadow’s influence.

When offering feedback or correcting a mistake, frame it in a constructive, supportive way.

Write down a compassionate statement to yourself at the start or end of each day. If working through a difficult interaction, use a compassionate script like,
“Even though I struggled with this, I know I’m doing my best, and that is enough.”
Remember gam zu l’tovah (this, too, is for the good).